|READ|

2010-07-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

3.3.2010

2010-03-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
-Neil Gaiman

When you're used to something. Whether it be a person, or someTHING, after a while it can become a sort of... addiction. &not everything, but it's not surprising that when you're used to something daily, and you have to be forced to go without it until ... who knows when ... it's fucked up. When you love something or love someone, and it is taken away from you, or you have to let it go, it's fucked up. Annoying as fuck, because more times than not it's not what you WANT to do... & i don't know about anyone else, but i like doing what i want to do. . . Sometimes, you have to do what you need to do though, i guess. (?!)

'When Words Fail, Music Speaks.'

I'm so glad i have that tattooed on me, that quote still means so much to me. <3.>

post.script. "If it makes you feel better, go ahead and make me feel small. I know what you're up to bby, build that wall. You think you've seen it all and life has no surprises until you call out my name and in return all you get is silence."_MollyCool

MotherFucker, I'm Gone!

2010-02-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days are the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room for a nigga
But soon for a nigga it be on, mu’fucka
‘Cause all the bullshit just made me strong, mu’fucka

So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherfucker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherfucker
I’m gone
Motherfucker, I’m gone

I know what they don’t wanna tell you
Just hope you’re HEaven-sent, and you’re hell-proof
I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is a stain they can’t wipe off
My word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak, and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside

So I could pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherfucker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherfucker
I’m gone
Motherfucker, I’m gone (I’m gone)

It hurts, but I never show this pain you’ll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I’ve become, my back’s against the wall
When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream “F*ck ‘em all”
Man, it feels like these walls are closing in
This roof is caving in, up its time to razor-thin
Your days are numbered like pagers and
My book of rhymes, got ‘em cookin’, boy
This crooked mind of mine got ‘em all
Shook and scared to look in my eyes
I stole that f*ckin’ clock
I took the time and I
Came up from behind
And pretty much snuck up
And butt-fucked this game up
Better be careful when you bring my name up
Fuck this fame, that ain’t what
I came to claim but the game
Ain’t gonna be the same on the day that I leave it
But I swear one way or another I’ma make these fuckin’ haters believe that
I swear to God, won’t spare the rod
I’m a man of my word, so your fuckin’ heads better nod
Or I’ma fuck around in this bitch and roast everybody
Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie
Permanently, bitch, it’s beddy-bye
This world is my Easter egg, yeah, prepare to die
My head is swole, my confidence is up
This stage is my pedestal
I’m unstoppable, incredible hulk
You’re trapped in my medicine ball
I could run circles around you so fast your f*ckin’ head’ll spin, dog
I split your cabbage and your lettuce and olives
I’ll fuckin’

Pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherfucker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherfucker
I’m gone
Motherfucker, I’m gone (I’m gone)

TwentyTen.

2010-02-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

Do You See What I See?

6.14.o9

2009-06-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

There are two sides to every story. . .

I've learned quite a bit these last few days, all of which I know i'll take with me as I move on from this all.

Strength will get me through =]...

See You Later - K.P.

Definitely won't be down for long.

2009-06-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Listen…

Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it
It’s the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it
This can’t work anymore than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

Listen…

I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
I’m tired of hearing you say your innocent

Don’t think I forgot
Because I really didn’t
If you’re lying a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long ?
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

So don’t promise me
So don’t promise me

Leave Me, Leave Me

2009-06-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

6.8.o9

2009-06-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

It's getting harder&harder to fall asleep, to listen to music, to find a peace of mind. . .

With that being said, lately I find myself more quiet than i've ever been before. I spend a lot of time thinking about everything, EVERYTHING, & wayy less time talking about anything. I hope that this is just a phase, because the last thing I think I want is to be more disconnected than I already am. . . I guess 'it be like that sometimes' when you lose important people, or your mind, for that matter, ha!
In a matter of days, I went from being able to speak my mind, at all times to just not even wasting my time because i'm just not up for letting anyone in or giving anyone that opportunity to do me in again.

And I've made myself a promise never to make the same mistake again.

whomp,whomp,whomp.

6.7.o9

2009-06-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

This is about love,
freedom,
aloneness,
& understanding it.
This is about being responsible,
mature.

I'm emotional, Your emotional
Could be why we always argue our
Conversations short we can't talk enough
Just become much to difficult
I Don't know what to do
I Don't know what to prove
This is more than me
And so much more than you
Can we make it through said you and I
I can't decide

I just can't decide
If it's you i want
Do I wanna to choose between Having you in my life
Or losing you for real
Because i caught feelings (Are we falling in love with our feelings)
Feelings
Because I caught feelings (yeah)
(Because we're acting like we're really here. We're not here.)
Feelings (I'm not afraid of the pain)

I'm a stubborn girl
Your a stubborn guy
Could be why we fight all the time
If It's not your way
Then It must be mine
Can't communicate
Can't even compromise
I Don't know what to do
I Don't know what to prove
This is more than me
And so much more than you
Can we make it through
You and I
I can't decide

i just can't decide
If it's you I trust
Do I wanna choose between having you in my life,
Or telling you goodbye because I caught feelings.
Feelings
(It's almost unreal)
I must look like an enemy to you, it's cool. We have to die a little bit, you know?

I just can't pretend
That you're just a friend
We took it further
Passion still remains
So here we are again
Because we caught feelings
Feelings.

(I loved experiencing you, all of this. The ups, the downs.)
I can't even believe we're here after all we've been through.

6.3.o9

2009-06-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Moving back to LA for good.

=_=.

to be cont'd. . .

6.2.o9

2009-06-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

Not the best, but in my spare time this is what i do.

Thank Precious & a waste of a year of my life. =]:

Thank Tashanta:

Jesus, Take The Wheel.

5.14.o9

2009-05-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, i've written a whole long post & changed my mind.
All I will say is something that my cousin told me that has just stuck with me and made me change the way I look at every relationship with anyone (friends, business, men).
"if you're giving 70% & getting back 20%, keep your 70%, & move on to someone that will give you what you give them."

So i'm here, |wallS_up| & all, about to take on the world counting on me, myself, & I.

I wouldn't mind not giving 70%, keeping 100% all to myself and getting lost in Dubai. =]

My 2 New Favorite Artists.

2009-04-15T11:19:00.001-07:00

Ryan, Fab & Keri Studio Session from Ryan Leslie on Vimeo.

4.15.o9

2009-04-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

I could watch ryan leslie make music all day long.
I'm really happy that he youtube's this stuff.

4.9.o9 pt. 2

2009-04-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Back to that friend shit shit.
Lately, i've had a very VERY hard time grasping the fact that EVERYONE is selfish, period. MOST, if not all of the people I know, primarily put themselves before anyone else, and that's wassup (i mean that as genuine as possible). What bothers me, however, is when, and I know (now) that this is MY problem, these people are the same people that I often put before myself. So the lesson that i've learned is, I can't put anyone before myself because that will get me nowhere but fckd and slowly. Every time i've tried this, it's a problem, and in the past, i've cared, but as of late, i d g a f f. What the hell ever, if i'm doing for myself then no one needs to complain, because hey, you too should do for yourself instead of having to ask me for a damn thing, whether it be something physical or some words of wisdom or advice, I don't have it.
I'm way too nice, and I wish I was being modest or something, but no, anyone that knows me will say the same thing, i'm too nice & I care too much... who's fault, mine!

you learn from your mistakes, and I wish i didn't have to learn the hard way. Hundreds if not Thousands of dollars, Umpteenth hours, Way too many emotions, all theeee shit invested into other people, when I should have been investing in my damn self.

Lesson Learned.

4.9.o9

2009-04-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to twitter, I get to see a lot of different 'views & opinions' i guess i'll say for lack of better words right now, & everyday something new catches my eye.

"I Believe LOVE has no face, Smell, And no Concept.. As soon as you THINK you got LOVE figured out.. It's goes somewhere else... Whenever a women says to me she JUST broke up with her boyfriend.. My Question is always.. DID YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN YOU KNEW HIM??"

The initial question, was what is love, and that was the answer. Getting into that would be way too much & it's been discussed.

"Love is the mature version of infatuation."

"Love kills. I'll love again when i'm ready to die."

BUT.

"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3 KJV). Friends are of like mind. The truth that comes from all of this is a friendship is a relationship that is entered into by individuals, and it is only as good or as close as those individuals choose to make it. Someone has said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you are blessed. A friend is one whom you can be yourself with and never fear that he or she will judge you. A friend is someone that you can confide in with complete trust. A friend is someone you respect and that respects you, not based upon worthiness but based upon a likeness of mind.

Got that off the internet, & that DEFINITELY got me thinking. I sent it to ashlie and asked her how many friends does she have now after reading that? Her answer: 3. My answer : 4.

... i'll finish this later.

4.8.o9

2009-04-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

You just be frontin' why you frontin'?
I'm abusing my substance, doin a lot of puffin', doin a lot of cussin'.
Talkin to myself like 'B, what happend?'
Yellin 1 minute,
Next Minute i'm Laughin'.
Next minute i'm cryin'.
Next minute i'm dyin',
pass me the aspirin. . .

i'm playin'.

ha.

hey hey hey hey,
don't say you will,
unless you will.
Hey hey hey hey
don't say you will
then play you will,
I pray you will.

4.5.o9

2009-04-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

--Jo A. Witt

4.4.o9

2009-04-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

Touched down in London Town Today, and had nothing but TIME to think on the plane (literally).

Got here, had a little convo with someone who used to be important, & now I have nothing but a bunch of FckIt in my system. 'It Is What It Is!' Who Cares, really?

Whiggedy Whomp.

There are bloods in London. This gang affiliation is just EVERYWHERE; spreading like wildfire. smh.

British Accent: on!

Byeee.

3.31.o9

2009-03-31T23:04:00.000-07:00

I just feel like things aren't supposed to be like this, it's weird.

3.3o.o9

2009-03-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

www.twitter.com/iitsbianca.

All these different ways to 'stay connected'. smh.

Hands down

2009-03-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

i'm too proud for love.

- lykke li

*puts hands down

Oh, & u can add

2009-03-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

But u was my angel, Seems like ya wings grew
Unaware you was outta state doin ya thing to
Sayin to my self u deceiving
You r the reason that I don't believe in finding the love that I need

oooops, did i let that slip?

ha!

Get over it.

2009-03-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

Cuz drizzy drake said so.

3.29.o9 pt.2

2009-03-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to say lately.

The craziest thing that my mind can't seem to grasp is just how WRONG you can be about someone. It's like having all these signs in your face, like directions to somewhere, and you get there, and that's not where you were trying to go at all. Does that make sense?

Like I thought I knew someone, and they played the role perfectly, and they're not who I thought they were, AT ALL. I feel dumb, and that's what I was most curious about, if I could have read someone so wrong. Sometimes people are like con artists, they just play you and make you believe that they are who they are NOT, that's cute.

->I'm so uptown, mutha fucka look for wayne, don't go uptown!!!<-

Completely sidetracked, and happy about it.

it's ok it's ok it's ok it's ok it's ok it's ok

you can run and tell my city

i'm on, i'm on, i'm on, i'm on, i'm on, i'm on

best believe i understand. . .

i'm gone. =]

3.29.o9

2009-03-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

'that old me's dead&gone, but the new me'll be alright.'

work in progress. . .

3.28.o9

2009-03-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

I wish my mouth could say or my fingers could type what my head is thinking, that'd be great. . . but it never seems to happen.

it is what it is.

not.

Random Post,fckthedate.

2009-03-28T01:58:00.000-07:00

Black people for real never know how to act. Me and Brodii both experienced some black people bull shit tonight. Shootin and shit. . . go get a life!

UGH.

ANYWAYS, going mimiz. I wish my friends could be more happy for me, but that's why I have those three and that's it. Sigh*** i love them.

Gnite. lol.

3.27.o9

2009-03-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Call me a Swagger-Jacker.

Call me Miss Understood.

Call me quiet.

Call me crazy.

Call me weird.

Call me Bianca.

Don't call me at all.

I don't know.

I don't care.

Tell me I do too much.

Tell me I don't do enough.

Tell me you love me.

Tell me you don't care.

Don't tell me anything at all.

I don't know.

I don't care.

I don't give a fuck.

But i'd give my all.

I don't know.

I don't care.

Run away with me.

Stay here with me.

Cry with me.

Hold me.

Let Go.

I don't know.

I wish I know.

I care . . .

I wish i didn't.

I actually don't know at all. HaHa.

I don't know what i'm talking about & I don't care.

You read it.

Oh well.

=].

iLmyBrody!

3.26.o9

2009-03-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying:: I can't eat cheese anymore.

I was making a baked potato, and I grabbed the cheese and thought back to when I was a kid, and I remembered that I used to be able to eat cheese, just . like . that. So I tried it, and that ish was gross! I wonder when I crossed over. . . LoL, random, anyways.

yesterday I had this conversation with my nfc'er, and she helped me re- remember what having this blog was all about. My comments are disabled, I don't tell people to read this or anything, I just have it to write out whatever I want, and. . . that's about it. So here goes, all over again.

I was talking to my mom today, and she was giving me 'advice' or just bickering about something that I should have done her way, and things would have turned out differently, or better, and I had to explain to her that i'm getting older, and all that has to stop at some point. I appreciate it, and all the guidance she provides is great, but that's all it is is guidance. No where did I sign a paper saying that I was going to take my moms, or anyones words of wisdom as law, and apply them to my own life. With that being said, I started to think about a few of the situations i'm in, and have been in, and what I have learned from them because, 'for everything you encounter there is a lesson learned,' and for once I can actually pin point where I've went wrong, and things that I don't need to do, and i value experiences so much more because they're actually starting to mold me into a 'better' person (for me), and I can SEE it.

Lately i've stopped communicating with a lot of people, and by communicating I just mean i've stopped telling people my damn business, because there is no need for all of that. Everyone goes through different situations, and more and more i'm starting to see that there are probably 3 people in this world whose word means something more to me than just . . . words. I trust their opinions and advice not only because they are looking out for me, but because they don't tell me what I want to hear and I am 100% sure that they understand what i'm talking about and have some grounds to speak on. I'm pretty self-reliant as far as the decisions I make, and i'm becoming more and more self-reliant as the days go by, but there are certain situations and certain things that I just don't know how to deal with, or I know how to deal with them, but I just need to be sure that i'm going about it the right way, and that is where those people come in handy.

NFC'er gave me a quote, and I googled it like I do everything, and fell in love with Paulo Coelho. Here are a few of his quotes that got me thinking:

"We have to stop and be humble enough to understand that there is something called mystery."

For a while I found myself asking the question 'why' a lot. I wanted to know WHY things were happening the way they were and WHY this and WHY that, till I realized that we don't always need to know why. . .

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny."

uhm, yeah!

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."

Now if that isn't the TRUTH. . .

"The two worst strategic mistakes to make are acting prematurely and letting an opportunity slip; to avoid this, the warrior treats each situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formulae, recipes or other people's opinions."

Sticks foot in mouth*

There are a lot more that touched me, but what's weird is that as I read each of them, I thought about or related it back to 1 thing. . . *shakes head.

I'm in this situation, and i'm stuck. . . so i'm going with the decision that i've known all along, and ironically enough, those 3 people agree with me, so that's what i'm gonna do, and all I can do is uhm. . . hope for the best?

it is what it is tho. . . =].

ily nfc'er.

PostScript: i'll be so happy when saturday rolls around, <3.

3.25.o9 pt.2

2009-03-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

"to appreciate all the good, sometimes you gotta fall. . ."

yeah, and smart ol' Bianca tripped and fell in love all over again. oh JOY.

muHahaHa. gnite.

3.25.o9

2009-03-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. . .I don't know why I started blogging again, because I never fail to get too lazy to type what I want to say, because I always have so much that I want to say.

Recently, i've found myself saying more than often that Life Is Happening. . . It's happening with or without me, I can either get on board and do something, or sit around as time passes me by, so that's where i'm at now.

"Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us." -Thomas L. Holdcroft.

I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff. . . and deleted it all. There's something about talking to the internet world that boggles my mind. Ha. All this damn technology: blogs, twitter, facebook, myspace, AIM, MSN etc. . . i'm way too available to the world, and for some reason I used to feel like I was missing out if I didn't have a way of communicating with everyone at all times, but every day i become less and less enthused with it all.

Woke up to an AIM from my diary that made me smile, and it touched my 'liddo heart.'

I've had this new mind frame that has made me distant to people because I kinda just like I was no longer needed in their life, and I accepted and respected that, BUT my diary made me take a step back and kind of re-think that. . . i love her, much!!!

2.22.o9

2009-02-22T21:03:00.001-08:00

*inhale*

Went home on Thursday and e v e r y t h i n g has changed. I didn't think that I had been gone for so long, and I really haven't BUT this is the first time i've really been around everyone, at the same time, and talked to everyone and caught up with everyone, etc. Craziness.

I heard a lot of crazy things, that I don't agree with at all, but the way the world is today, I can't say anything. I used to be able to explain to people why they should or should not do things, or live certain ways, etc. based on what is 'wrong' and what is 'right,' but it seems like all that is looong gone and very far out the window. I just hope everyone stays safe. . . that's really all i can say.

On another note, Friday night went from going to the movies, to reuniting with a lot of people that i love. It was fun, & unexpectedly comfortable.

CuzzoDom.NayNay.Fizzle.Ray.Steph.Verii-b.Aaron.Diary.Nfc.BestFriendBum.

iLyguys, a lot.

*exhale*

2.14.o9

2009-02-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

Drake is making my life better, currently.

2.11.o9

2009-02-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

I'm really numb to just about everything.

I have so much & nothing to say at the same time. . .

2.4.o9

2009-02-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”

It seems like time is going by faster and faster and more and more people are getting sick & dying. What's going on in the world?? I don't understand.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

2.3.o9

2009-02-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Why do I feel so alone?
Like everybody passin thru the studio is in character
As if we actin out a movie roll?
Talkin bull shit, as if it was for u to know
& I don't have the ♥ to give these bitch n*ggas the cue to go
So they stick around, kickin out feedback
& I entertain it as if I neeeeed that
I had a talk w. My uncle & he agreed that
My privacy bout the only thing I need back.

Don't ever forget the moment you began to doubt
Transitioning from fitting in to standing out.
But they told me to do me
& don't listen to anybody that knew me
Cuz to know me would mean that there's a new me
& if you think I changed in the slightest, coulda fooled me.

2.2.o9

2009-02-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

2.1.o9[pt.2]

2009-02-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

she's come such a long way;;

From goodies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzsNGilSpuE

to this::

2.1.o9

2009-02-01T11:10:00.001-08:00

& i gotta come down to earth, but i don't wanna.

1.3o.o9

2009-01-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

I read these ol dumbass quotes a few days ago and I was really into them. I thought 'That's SO true," but now, not so much.

"Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take teh place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up."

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."

The KEY word is OFTEN.

Oh & this shit::

"When I'm tempted to do something that feels like giving up, I won't... because love doesn't give up (1 corinthians, 13). But, lest I push love aside, I will make sure that what I'm holding on to can coexist with love."

Isn't that cute?!

OH GAG ME. Sometimes, giving up is exactly what you need to do. Maybe it's not giving up so much as letting go and saying who cares, or maybe that's just the same thing as giving up in a more sugar coated and watered down form. I'm being quite the pessimist if I do say so myself. In one of those 'the glass is half empty... & i'm thirsty, so i just drank that, so now the damn glass ain't got shit in it' moods, & idgaf.

I should be going to LA today, but my pride won't let me ask for help & i'm fine with that. I'm just mad that i'm still here.

1.29.o9

2009-01-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

Overwhelmed.

& there's no beginning & there is no end. . . near.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." -Washington Irving.

1.28.o9

2009-01-28T00:36:00.000-08:00

Hol' on;;

With that distain in my membrane,

FUCK THE WORLD, my defense came.

If you can't explain that your whole perspective is whack,

maybe you'll love me when I fade to black.

.enog os

1.25.o9 [pt.2]

2009-01-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

I hope no one that reads my blog reads the NFC'erz too, cuz you'll see similarities.

ANYWAY, Rainer Maria Rilke & I would have not gotten along.

"Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them & the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, & live along some distant day into the answer."

Wellp, Maria i'm too pensive for that. I like asking questions, and if no one knows the answer, then that's fine, but if someone does know the answer, then I want to know what it is. & the irony of it all is that i always get my answers. ;]. Whether it's a yes or a no, there is always an answer or an opinion.

So, i'm gonna live & continue to ask questions, and live into the answers and all that jazzy stuff cuz like the nfc'er said, "What the FUCK is patience, when my heart is racing?"

LaLaLa, ciao.

1.25.o9

2009-01-25T11:51:00.001-08:00

"To appreciate beauty [life], to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived."

mhm.

1.19.o9 [pt.3]

2009-01-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes your biggest disappointments come from your so called friends." George W. Bush.

-stolenfromstacii, however.

1.19.o9

2009-01-19T09:08:00.001-08:00

MLK Day.

1.18.o9

2009-01-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

'Did I ever tell you about how you fell asleep in my presence? & your mere essence kept me awake for hours, As I cowered with this feeling of sexually unadulterated mental connection?

& while we probably move too quickly into some sexual stuff,

I've always cared more about the explicitly illicitness that came from between your lips. . .

meaning your voice.

So now I am standing here ready to trade in all the sexual acts that we've performed for the chance to reform the very foundation & the basis of our relationship. & I reiterate my opening statement & I offer you another penny for your thoughts.'

OyVey.

1.15.o9

2009-01-15T01:34:00.000-08:00

"Violence only begets Violence."

When will people open their eyes?

1.13.o9

2009-01-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

1.13.o9

2009-01-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm in love, ew. What a stupid scary situation to be in, ay?

On another note. I'm leaving for DC in 2 days.

:] couldn't be more happy.

1.12.o9

2009-01-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

"As of today, I have absolutely no regrets. I think I am a mature person who can take things in stride. I'm grateful for people in my past. They helped me get to where I am, wherever that is."

-Marilyn Monroe

1.11.o9

2009-01-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

1.1o.o9

2009-01-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

One thing about me;;

I like to be able to get up&go. I love traveling so sometimes i'll just feel like getting up . . . & leaving. I don't think that i'm running away from anything, i've just always been that way. When I was younger, my mom would wake me up at like 2am and we'd just drive to Newport Beach, get a hotel, & chill. Maybe she was running from something? or maybe she just got tired of being in the same place.. doing the same shit? day in. . . & day out?

Whatever, ANYWAYS roaming thru my NFC's blog, & came across something that made me smile. Actually, her whole most recent post made me smile because it was really ironic that I had been talking about that all day. About time, and getting to the next spot without thinking about 'the bigger picture.' & besides that, the whole issue of Love.

"I've also come to that conclusion that sometimes it's best, maybe just for the moment, that I love some people from a distance.. 'Cause in all honesty, I love you too much.. Promisee.. "& it's so hard to hear myself say 'go away' instead of 'baby, please stay just one more day.." "-All stolen from her blog.

I always thought that I was 'scared' to love because I just know that I love 'hard,' & that is always more of a bad thing than a good thing for me. Loving someone from a distance. . . that's another way to look at it.

Yeah idk. . . i'm ready to get up & go. . . off to fresno.

1.9.o9 [pt.3]

2009-01-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

1.9.o9 [pt.2]

2009-01-09T01:42:00.000-08:00

i DEFINITELY fucked up the words. . . mah bad, shawty.

1.8.o9 [pt.2] // 1.9.o9

2009-01-08T23:06:00.001-08:00

It's 11:o6pm. That's what time i'm starting this post. I wonder how many times my mind will go astray before I get out whatever I want to say in this blog.

I've been in stupid ass situations recently, and things that used to really [hurt] me before are only starting to irritate me. Things that used to make me feel really bad don't anymore, they just make me so annoyed.

"If someone can't see well, you can only offer them glasses so many times & get denied before you give up. If they don't want them... there's nothing more you can do about it."

Pretty much. . . You can only offer so much help before you yourself get tired of being rejected & sometimes, it's best to let them just guide themselves without your help.

Today, my bestii learned some things about me that he didn't know before. Like i'm not really just some spoiled ass little girl from LA that just gets what she wants (or doesn't want at times). I like when people get to know more about me than they didn't know before, & I like proving people wrong. It's funny how much people judge a book by it's cover, & what's funnier, is people who say that they don't judge, but everyone passes judgement, whether it be good or bad, when you see someone you have a thought about them, of some sort. When I was telling him about myself, it was funny because he said, "Why haven't you ever mentioned this before?" &I thought about it, & I realized a lot of people don't know a lot about me, they know what I want them to know. The more someone knows about you, & the more you let them in, the easier it is for them to take advantage of you. I used to think that I trusted people wayy too much, but today I realized that I really don't. I tell people a lot about the stuff going on that is just not personal, but when it comes to things about ME, i'm really skeptical about who I open up to.

Another thing I learned about myself is that I am not as bad at conversing with others as I thought I was. I used to have a REALLY big problem with telling people how I feel, & now it's become either 1 extreme or the other. I can't get enough of telling some people how i feel... about everything. LoL. &now, the tables have turned, &people can't get enough of not wanting to be real & tell me how they feel. When I was younger &had that problem, I don't think it was because I had my 'guard' up or anything, I just really cared a lot about what others thought. . .

LMFAO;;

I must have A.D.D along with my rapidly increasing OCD. . . sigh* lol. . .my mind went somewhere else COMPLETELY. muhaha. It began wandering, & ended in my college folder of my iPhoto. . . enjoy::

[please excuse the shit that i used to wear, LMFAO]

it's 12:29am;; I'M DONE!

p.s. Notice how i strayed from anything that had to do with what was going on in my mind & shit. smh.

1.8.o9

2009-01-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

OH, is this the hat that you're talking about?

I don't even know where it is, someone took it.

I miss my family.

1.7.o9 [pt.2]

2009-01-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Emergency Room - Rihanna ft Ray L.

1.7.o9

2009-01-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

"Morning. You are amazing. Your presence makes a difference in this world, thank you. Dont disrespect your greatness with stress or worry. Celebrate ur smile."

-Mister.

I love him & I love waking up to his inspirational words of wisdom :].

1.6.o9

2009-01-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

& every time I think I've planted my feet on the ground & finally have some stability, i'm reminded that i'm not in control of shit!

1.4.o9 [pt. 2]

2009-01-04T22:17:00.000-08:00

Just want you to know i'm taking care of your shorts, :].

LaLala.

T-shirt & my panties on.

BuenosNoches.

1.4.o9

2009-01-04T20:59:00.001-08:00

&iQuote;;

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." -Anon.

-I don't know how I feel about that. . . or sometimes you put walls up to just not get hurt.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" -Maya Angelou.

-I concur.

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." -Anon.

-I concur.

[[now back to my pensive life.]]

1.3.o9 [pt.3]

2009-01-03T23:34:00.001-08:00

HaHa

I found the

1.3.o9 [pt.2]

2009-01-03T20:58:00.001-08:00

dfjas;ldkfja;lsdjfakjhfaksdjhflaksdjfasdkjf;alskdjf;alsdkjf;asdjhfa;dsjf;alsdjf!

Welcome to My Madness!

SO, I was reading my NFC's blog (precious), and she had a slideshow of old pictures and whatnot, and I saw all these old pictures that made me be like 'aww,' & before I knew it I was sitting here sad, thinking about the past. Thinking about what was, and what is not, & then, I got mad. . . at myself. I realized that i'm sick and tired of living in the past, so I AIM'd precious and told her that, and as I was/am AIMing her, i'm just still coming up with all this random stuff.

Everyday I think about the past. Look at old pictures, read old shit. . . that's just it it's all OLD. OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD!!! WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

I'm tired of being sad, it's literally exhausting, and it's become so damn routine. Who really cares? We're still IN the past as much as we say we're not. Every time we sit and write about it, reflect on it, we're still living that same old bull shit. It's the past for a reason. I'm starting to think it's just all a cop out. As long as I sit and think about what was and what isn't, I have no chance to get to what will be.

Then Precious said: "Just live things you've already lived?"

& i feel like. . . well yeah. People will come & go in our lives. We have to just keep going. So shit didn't go our way. . . IT happens & it's going to keep happening, but people get scared, maybe subconciously, or just tired of the old, and sit and dwell instead of moving on. Maybe it's easier to be stuck that it is to try again. You get your heart broken a few times, and then you sit around for months//years thinking about the past. . . ALL THE TIME, and we get scared to try again. . . but it's like either you can be scared, or honestly LEARN & MOVE THE FUCK ON.

Then Precious said: "But, I'm not interested in what wiillll be. & that's the sad part."

And neither am I. BUT, I'm REALLY sick of what was. & i'm more sick of the past than not interested in what will be. It's 1 thing to sit and waste time being bored/content/just live than to waste time thinking about the past & that's what a lot of people do.

Precious: "It's inevitable to have the past disappear though.. Who's gonna not think about it? It's all just about balance.. About whaat role the past is allowed to play."

DING DING DING!

The past is overpowering the present & future right about now. Unless our lives are GREAT, then we're constantly thinking about what WAS great. . . because that's easier.

So, we must find the balance.

I must find the fckn balance.

1.3.o9

2009-01-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

I had the most sleepless ass night ever, I've been having these whack ass 2 hour ass naps & EVERY 2 fckn hours i wake up, check my phone, respond to my AIMs (why are people up every 2 hours anyway? 2am.4am.6am.) & watch some tv till i wander back into some disturbed ass sleep. Then I have these weird ass dreams that are so realistic. . .

So yesterday, I realized that I like to listen to other peoples situations & help other people out so much because it distracts me form everything going on in my own life. I've realized that I just don't really like dealing with my own reality, because i've gotten so used to not dealing with it, just flowing with it. So now that I have to deal with it i'm like . . . procrastinating. . . or just trying to find any way possible to just NOT have to talk about anything that has to do with me in depth, & recently that's just not gonna fly anymore. My friends aren't allowing that to go down, and I think it may turn out to be a good thing. I just really don't know where to begin. I don't know what to say. There's so much to say i don't know WHERE to even think about beginning.

'I believe everything happens for a reason;

People change so they can learn to let go;

Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right'

You believe lies so u eventually learn to trust nobody but yourself;

& sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.'

-Marilyn Monroe

I want to get to that point. . .

To where I can read that & be like, yeup! This ALL happened for a reason. These people changed, so i could learn how to let them go. . . etc. . . My problem is, how many things are going to happen? How many people are going to change? How much is going to go wrong? & how many lies do you have to believe before all this becomes true?

LaLaLa

1.2.o9 [pt.2]

2009-01-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

... a friend sent this to me, & i felt it was very useful advice that people often forget.

"Nothing worth having is easy to get." -Rosario L.

1.2.o9

2009-01-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

It's the 2nd day of the year, it's moving too fast already... I don't like it!

We didn't want to go out for New Years, so we decided to go out last night instead.

& we had more fun than expected!

Special Performance;; Legends Live Forever

(www.myspace.com/legendsliveforever).

Then after the party, Nailah almost killed us both, No joke!

Moving right along however, it's a New Year! Everyone spends so much time on talking about how stuff is going to be so different and whatnot, and so yesterday when i woke up I expected something different, i don't know why, but I did. For the first time I wasn't really like, 'o9 is gonna be my year!' or 'This year i'm going to really do this...' But so many other people were i don't know what i expected but when i woke up finally yesterday at like 12 or 1 i was BORED! Scrolled thru my buddy list and was still BORED, then AIMd el Best and asked him why i was so bored what with it being a new year and all, and he responded "What did you expect, Bianca? All the blues to turn red. . . etc" & went on with his sarcasm and I started wondering what i really did expect. Last year was such a long drag that i was just expecting something. . . different, but it still feels like 2oo8. WHOMP!

I did, however, have this master plan for this year, & that went to shit on new years & went to shit again last night.

How do you get someone out of your life that doesn't want to leave?

I don't know WHEN i became so pensive. I'm ALWAYS thinking (too much) & i'm always asking questions. Some say it's a good thing, but no, it's not. I think about everything, & then, when i'm done thinking, i think about it some more! & it seems like the older i get, the more i want my questions to be answered, but no one seems to be able to answer them, so i've had to settle with "It is what it is." & 'Settling' & I don't EVER get along for too long. =_=.

(Sascha, come home please.)

(oh look at how far we've come. LoL)

Hmmm;; Gotta get up and go to work.

HastaLaVista

1.1.o9

2009-01-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

New Year, New ... ?

"For last years' words belong to last years' language.. & next years' words await another voice. & to make an end is to make a new beginning." -T.S. Eliot//NFC.

[[What better way to start, brief and to the point, I love you! I used to not know what i'd do without you because you were such an important person in my life. Talking to you everyday, and talking me through what was then 'the hardest time of my life.'Somewhere along the lines between us helping each other through what we were going through, you became my backbone, & I'm so glad it happened, & I'm so glad things aren't that way anymore because we've both grown from that & i've taken everything I learned from that whole experience with me. If I knew then what i know now we would have CERTAINLY had nothing to talk about EVERY single day, but seeing that we've changed generally as people is such a good thing. It seems like everything we were sad about then was so minor compared to anything that's going on now or has gone on this year. ]] LaLala- iLY.

ANYWAYS;;

So i've decided i'm going to try and start this whole blogging thing again. Idk how far it'll get, but right now it will give me something to do. 2oo8 is o v e r.

My Ode to 'o8::

You've been bittersweet, to say the least. You brought 7 people into my life simultaneously that I have grown to love & care about a lot, & you've beat the shit out of me with your 'issues.' & as now that you're gone, i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be. Time keeps going, it's inevitable, so holding onto things that just don't seem to work for me is a no-can-do anymore. Thank you to everyone around me that kept me going , those that are & are not still a part of my life. I've learned more in the past 365 days than i've ever learned before:: about life, about people, & about CHANGE. I've decided that 2oo9 is all about change for me in a great way. Everyday i'm going to think about a way to change, for the better, and see how that goes. Much Love 2oo8, Farewell.

My New Year was very -relaxing- to say the least.

I spent midnight with Rossi & Nailah, and the first thing that we heard at midnight was "Man, i hope i don't regret spending my New Years with you guys." -Rossi. =_=. Then he calls someone and asked them what they were doing, and all of a sudden he screams "FUCK I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WITH YA'LL!" LoL. It's okay, he loves us;; Troy, Tone & Tyrone came shortly there after & yeah . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The only person that was missing was:

ElBestii.

Since San Francisco is like my home now, these people have become my family, (whether they like it or not) =D.

[[I LIED:: Also missing were Sascha, Jasmine, & Sherena]]

This time last year, Sascha & I were roaming the streets of New York w. Kirdie having a blast.

If we had anything to worry about, we sure weren't worrying about them then. I felt so carefree & happy... & here I am 365 days later, a year older, and much wiser... with a whole bunch of shit to worry about. LoL.

A lot of GREAT things happened in 'o8,

& a lot of things that i wasn't expecting at all. Most of the things that i've learned this year, most of the outlook I have, & the perspective I have singlehandedly came from one person. When they came into my life i was so happy, genuinely, because life hadn't let me in on it's little plan to fck me over in the months to come, & i wasn't prepared. But, i met them, & they made me see life in a different way. They've told me a lot, & i learned a lot from them whether they know & believe it or not. They made me really happy & really sad maybe also without knowing it, and forced me to accept 'change.' I thought I hated change, but i was just scared of it, but whether or not i'm scared, people and things will change, and time will keep going on, so i have to get used to it. They made me [appreciate] life & people a lot more than i did before & they also made me scared to trust people. I learned from them that people will let you down, but you have to just get over it, basically. I always knew that actions speak louder than words, but i never really KNEW it until i met them.

SO;; for 2oo9, I am going to start off by trying to 'Let Go & Let God.' I wonder what this year has in store for me? I'm prepared for the worst;; HOPING for the best =D.