Welcome to My Madness!
SO, I was reading my NFC's blog (precious), and she had a slideshow of old pictures and whatnot, and I saw all these old pictures that made me be like 'aww,' & before I knew it I was sitting here sad, thinking about the past. Thinking about what was, and what is not, & then, I got mad. . . at myself. I realized that i'm sick and tired of living in the past, so I AIM'd precious and told her that, and as I was/am AIMing her, i'm just still coming up with all this random stuff.
Everyday I think about the past. Look at old pictures, read old shit. . . that's just it it's all OLD. OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD!!! WHO GIVES A FUCK?!
I'm tired of being sad, it's literally exhausting, and it's become so damn routine. Who really cares? We're still IN the past as much as we say we're not. Every time we sit and write about it, reflect on it, we're still living that same old bull shit. It's the past for a reason. I'm starting to think it's just all a cop out. As long as I sit and think about what was and what isn't, I have no chance to get to what will be.
Then Precious said: "Just live things you've already lived?"
& i feel like. . . well yeah. People will come & go in our lives. We have to just keep going. So shit didn't go our way. . . IT happens & it's going to keep happening, but people get scared, maybe subconciously, or just tired of the old, and sit and dwell instead of moving on. Maybe it's easier to be stuck that it is to try again. You get your heart broken a few times, and then you sit around for months//years thinking about the past. . . ALL THE TIME, and we get scared to try again. . . but it's like either you can be scared, or honestly LEARN & MOVE THE FUCK ON.
Then Precious said: "But, I'm not interested in what wiillll be. & that's the sad part."
And neither am I. BUT, I'm REALLY sick of what was. & i'm more sick of the past than not interested in what will be. It's 1 thing to sit and waste time being bored/content/just live than to waste time thinking about the past & that's what a lot of people do.
Precious: "It's inevitable to have the past disappear though.. Who's gonna not think about it? It's all just about balance.. About whaat role the past is allowed to play."
DING DING DING!
The past is overpowering the present & future right about now. Unless our lives are GREAT, then we're constantly thinking about what WAS great. . . because that's easier.
So, we must find the balance.
I must find the fckn balance.
